I really do just love people

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ – Matthew 25: 35-40

I am currently reading the Hunger Games series. Nope, it is not Catholic and was not written by a Catholic. But it doesn’t have anything truly awful in it like many many things out there. It’s a good story, it has a girl who has courage and just sort of kicks butt. I like girls that kick butt. I also liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am also currently reading the Fatherless/Motherless/Childless series by Brian Gale. It is very Catholic. Like beat you over the head with Catholic in many ways. And I am enjoying both series. But the Brian Gale one has to be paused and absorbed a bit more. I am learning a lot and it is filling my lamp with oil. It is what sparked me to start reading more diligently the Encyclicals. And what sparked me to start training as an ENDOW facilitator. It sparked me to want to deepen my faith and to want to learn more about others and to be there to help others. But, it is not always easy to read.

So… why you ask am I reading something that challenges me? Well, because in many ways I NEED that bubble. I need the pure faith to truly learn it. And I WANT to learn it. And it is BEAUTIFUL.

So, why the mainstream book? Well, because it is great to open a book and start searching for that deeper meaning in things, even if someone didn’t intend that to be the focus. It gives you practice of what to look for in the real world. Because I also enjoy people and their stories just because I love people. And I love them for the good I see in them. I love them for those pieces of them I see that remind me of Jesus, that remind me of Christ. And I love them because, just like me, they are a bit broken. And they do things wrong. And that’s okay. Because so do I.And because we can connect with those broke spirits and we can be there for each other.

And without seeing them in the “real world,” without going out of my bubble of pure faith, I keep my heart away from all temptations, sure, but I also can’t see those good moments. I can’t see that beauty that is Jesus in everyone, even those who don’t know Him as I do.And I start forgetting where I have come from and I become like a Pharisee, unable to grow further myself.

I do this for my kids too. I teach them the faith. I try to teach them the truth and let them fully absorb it. Then I hand them Charlotte’s Web. Or I give them a real world scenario and I ask them what they think. And they answer with their faithful hearts. And they are able to see God in the world, even a world that is a bit broken. And I hope, I pray, that in doing this I am preparing them for a world that is not going to like them much. That is going to be a bit hard on them, but I hope they have their faith to hold on too. And they will keep trying and keep growing.

And that is good.

 

DISCLAIMER. There is some stuff out there that truly truly sucks and should not be read by anyone. You gotta be careful.

Take up your cross

“My Father, – if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.”

Right before a big life change, I whine. Yeah, there is no other way to put it. I give a big old, I don’t wanna. There is no “This cross rocks! Let me get on that immediately.” I am definitely more a Jonah, heading for the hills and then hanging out in the whale a couple hours.

But, that’s okay. Because look at that, Jesus had to prepare before he made a huge change too. Jonah ran the other way, yes. But ultimately they did submit. They did make that change.

I don’t think any one of us really likes suffering per se. But we NEED it. We need those hard moments so that we can gain holiness. We need those hard times so we can grow and grow up. If we keep running forever, we will never reach the end goal. We will never reach that level of awesomeness our great grandparents reached because they could not make the choice to hide. Because if they had it would have been a literal death and not just a figurative one.

Today I woke up and the baby woke up with me. There would be no quiet prayer before starting the day. Just a quick and heartfelt “Lord please give me strength.”

Then the 5 year old complained his smoothie was too sweet.  The baby screamed every time he was put down. And I looked at my awesome list and knew it was not gonna go down in the neat order I wanted to today. And I sat for a minute. Just sort of gathering my thoughts. Really, so much going on in my head these days. So much to do. Am I making the right decisions for them? Am I letting them grow? Am I focused as I should be on their inner conversions? Or did I slip and start worrying about what the world would say again?

And, yes. I did it again. I let the world creep in and I tried to worry about what it looks like on the outside. Forgot to focus on our hearts.

You know what happens when I do that? I get overwhelmed. And I am useless to all of us.

So, scratch that. Start over. What do THEY need right now, not what does the world say I should do? What will bring those in THIS house right now closer to God?

And guess what? My heart calmed down immediately with just that adjustment. And THIS I can do. There IS time to do it all, but trying to do it all today is unrealistic. Everything has a day and time. And I will fit it all in. On our schedule, not the worlds. Thanks for the reminder:

“The everlasting God has in his wisdom foreseen from eternity, the cross he now presents to you as a gift from his innermost heart. This cross he now sends you he has considered with his all-knowing eyes, understood with his divine mind, tested with his wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with his own hands to see that it not be one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with his holy name, annointed it with his grace, perfumed it with his consolation, and taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then has sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all merciful love of God.” -St Francis de Sales

Balance

Some days I would love and sit all day and read. But, I have responsibilities and so I put the book away and go about my duties.

Some days I get on such a role with school and I tell the boys “Let’s do MORE! COME ON!” And they look at me like I am crazy cause though they did well, they are ready for something different.

Some days I start on a cleaning kick and just want to keep going forever. Oh look what I got done! I will just do ONE more thing. Oh! But if I DO this, it will be perfect.

Some days…I want to just sit with an encyclical or a bible and read all day. I want to escape to the Abbey and sit in the garden and just be with God. And then I remember to pick up that secular mainstream book, and I look for those moments of Truth, I seek God in the everyday. And I feel so blessed when I find it. And can share those moments with my friends and my family.

I am a mother. And I actually have more than one kid to focus on too. It’s not all baby all the time, not all toddler, not all 5 or 8 year old. And actually, this is good. Because I do have an obsessive personality and this reminds me to switch gears, to enjoy my bible study but to go back and USE it in the world. To cherish the giggly fun times with a toddler and the snuggles with the baby, but still switch and enjoy the talk with the 8 yo on a show he is interested in or the frog he found outside….

And as I sit at the dinner table and the boys excited relate what they learned from the day to their dad, or we are in the car and they are studying clouds and using scientific names that I somehow taught them and can’t remember myself. As we are discussing a situation with a friend and they remember the kindness that they learned from our study of religion and seek to apply it….

You have to go out in the world. You have to apply what you learned. You have to test your filter and your boundaries and make sure that they are working effectively. You can’t stay in the bubble of learning forever. And as wonderful as the “old world was” it had it’s draw backs. Some technology, some modernity can be good.

Last night I remembered to prep my dough for english muffins. This morning I added the last ingredients and rolled out the dough and used my cookie cutter and imagined my grandmother doing the same with a clean glass. I didn’t do it all by hand, I cheated and used my kitchen aid, but I still pushed it out by hand and I could remember the ingredients and the steps by memory. I didn’t have to look it up. And, yeah, I was modern with my kitchenaid. But I felt so connected with my grandmothers, whom I miss so dearly. I felt balanced between the new world of technology and the old world of baking.

And it was good.

Mr President: A fruit stand on every corner, not McDonald’s

I hate voting. I hate picking the least offensive on the most important points instead of getting to the heart of what we really need. The problem is always being, the world of politics likes to focus on hot buttons that in my mind are not priority. They talk about things that, quite honestly, should be non-negotiables and/or should not be national issues.

You know what should be national? I read this article that was written by a heart surgeon. He has been one for 25 years. The number on killer of woman, poor contend with it as well, is heart disease. And we can prevent this actual disease. How? REAL FOOD. Our government recommended, government funded, low fat, processed food diet is KILLING US.

I could rally around a president who took on the food industry. I could rally around a president who instead of Planned Parenthood and McDonald’s on every corner, strived to have organic fruits and vegetable stands there. A president who worked tirelessly to ensure healthy, real food was available in poor areas. Who challenged grocery stores and companies to stop producing crap food and selling it cheaper so that it was all the poor could afford. Who is working to educate people on grass fed meat, pastured eggs, raw milk. I want a president who would work to make that food our normal and not the exception.

I want a president who challenges these huge companies focued only on their profit and not on the actual health of the people to do what is best for their health and for ours. I want a subsidy for real foods. I want the small farmer to stand a chance and not be railroaded by Monsanto.

Because what women need, what the poor need, what we ALL need, is not more sex. We NEED REAL FOOD. We need to be educated on a diet to bring our health back. And we need access to the food that is going to do that without having to jump through a gazillion hoops. I am very willing to pay a fair price for fair, good food. That may not get me a great deal or the other guy rich, but it will sustain our life and the quality of life we all want. It will do more to cut down on medical bills than any other thing we can do. Because real food, gives real health benefits.

That is a true health care mandate we can all agree on.

P.S. Yes yes, I know you have the right to eat crap and I am advocating against that right. Yeah yeah yeah.

Here Comes the Catholic Church

Here Comes the Catholic Church is a wonderful video I just watched.

I am so proud of the Founder of The Church. I have learned so much from Jesus on how to live, how to treat people, how to practice my faith honestly, and not trample someone else. I have learned about subsidiarity, which is really the solution. And I work to get us towards that.

Margaret Sanger would rather I was dead. Yes, she wants me dead. If she had her way, I would be dead. I can’t stand on her side.

The pill RISK WOMEN by increasing their risk of breast cancer by more than 4 times, some say it is 11 times, if taken prior to having a first child. This is TRUTH. Look it up. Even WebMD admits it. Abortion increases a woman’s risk of breast cancer by A LOT. It’s TRUTH. Why do you think Komen and Planned Parenthood are linked so closely? THIS IS NOT IN FAVOR OF WOMEN OR WOMEN’S HEALTH.

I am SO proud of the Church. I pray She has the strength to truly step up here. And I am SO proud of the bishops and that the men of the church are fighting as they should. For the dignity of ALL women, born and unborn. Catholic and not Catholic. To be treated with authentic respect and love. Not objectified and used and discarded.

And for the right to teach my children to be authentic gentle men, not what is out there in the world now. I want better for my future daughter in laws. I want better for my sons.

The Stone Cutter

I love living my vocation. God finds ways all day to remind me of the lessons he wants me to learn. Just this week I had to learn a lesson about work.

I have gotten a nice rhythm for my Rule and have been able to keep our routine, even when we leave the house or things come up. I have moments during the day when I am frantically running around trying to get something done in 20 to 30 minute increments. But, it also means I have times during the day where the work is done. And without any guilt, I get to sit and rest and do nothing.

And, I am happy.

But then occassionally I visit people who well, don’t appreciate the joy of 4 kids. And they sometimes accidentally sneak in comments that show their bias. They ask how I am doing. And I will say keeping busy with a smile. And the reponse is “You should have stopped having kids.”

Yeah, that hurts.

So I was doing a bible story with Christian and it talked about Adam and Eve’s punishment. And Eve would have pain in childbirth, and still have a desire for children. And that man would toil and work for his food. Through hard work we can find joy, we can find God.

Well, that explains why I say I am busy and working hard but I am happy.

Then we read this fable called The Stone Cutter. The Stone Cutter was happy and worked hard and his work had pupose and meaning. And then he saw the rich man and how he wasn’t working. And he had a desire to be that person. And he made a wish and he was the rich man. And he wasn’t happy. Then he saw a prince and wanted to be that, and made a wish, and he wasn’t happy.

Eventually he goes through a cycle being granted his wish to be all these things, but always seeing something else that looked better until finally, he wishes he was the stone cutter again. And with that wish, he is happy again.

So exciting!

So I tell Christian, what an amazing story! Did you see how the stone cutter lost his work and it’s purpose and then he lost his joy? His leisure didn’t make him happy! Work with purpose brought him joy!

And Christian stared at me. He didn’t get it.

I look at the teacher guide. Let’s see if I can simply this for 3rd grade…

Oh. Just be yourself.

Okay. Good lesson.

Starting Lent

Probably for the first time ever, I am beginning lent not having to start from the beginning. I am beginning with the cumulative effect of some awesome habits. I am beginning without the house totally trashed. I am beginning with having a good prayer habit. I am beginning without feeling as if the Internet or computer or video games is taking over everything.

Do you know what this means? No, it doesn’t mean I am off the hook. It means I can finally, gratefully, happily, delve deeper.

I have structure. And it is beautiful. I can explore more deeply the details now that there is calm and order.

I am learning each day from my Bible readings and reading of the saints. I can gratefully add in a few more items to see if God wants to give me a bit more direction.

I am making progress. I am moving forward. And today as I quickly ran through my morning chores because we had a bit less time this morning with going to mass, I realized something else:

It is okay if each day you are not perfect. It is the cumulative effect of all the days. It is working a tiny bit everyday that is important. Put in that tiny bit of effort to be better than you were yesterday, to work on one tiny thing. And with almost little perceived effort, you will one day be perfect for God in heaven.

Have a blessed Lent.

Saying goodbye: Tribute to a baby lost to miscarriage

Psalm 71:20-21
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Today a baby was lost. Not by choice. Just happens sometimes.

It snowed here today. Which is rare. I think this baby would have loved the snow.

This babe was tiny. Just a speck to some. Easily forgotten.

This baby left a hole in his or her parents’ hearts.

This baby, only a few weeks old in the womb, was named. This baby was anticipated. This baby was already loved.

Just a few weeks old. And the love is so great it can fill your heart to bursting.

Many would not have even realized a life was created. This mom knew immediately. And worked to do everything she could to keep this precious babe safe.

But, it wasn’t meant to be. This babe is in heaven.

I sit, holding my sweet babe while he naps and I weep for this lost life. For the pain of this mother. For the pain of the father.

Such a small babe. But a mom who has known the love of bearing a child knows what she lost. And I weep for this mama.

This week

I got a shower every single day.

I even got to do those little extra grooming things like lotion.

I set up personal Valentines for my 3 oldest boys and worked with each individually and got them done without staying up til midnight.

We still did school every day.

The laundry is caught up, fresh sheets are on the beds, and it’s all folded and put away.

The kitchen is clean and I even got to clean out that fridge.

I had downtime. I sat in peace for breaks knowing that my work was actually done for the moment and I wasn’t just procrastinating.

We got to hang out at the park with friends and knew how long we could actually take without falling into whiny meltdown messes. All our needs got met without gorging on our leisure time.

I got to walk in the sun.

My baby is one week away from 6 months and my Rule is almost firmly in place again.

I made it on time and prepared for all of our out of home obligations and they didn’t destroy my home routine.

Someone mentioned how weighed down with responsibility I am with 4 kids because I am always busy.

I noticed I am freer than I was with 2 kids or 3. I am free from boredom, free from sloth, free from having to follow societies norms, free from my own disorganization. I am surrounded with an abundance of love.

So that’s why God said this was a path to heaven.

Thank You God. Please keep me on the path. I know I will slip but because of THIS feeling, I know the right path and will get back on.

9 years ago I s…

9 years ago I sat next to a hospital bed.

I begged you to wake up and tell me what to do.

I was 6 months pregnant.

I wanted you to meet your first grandson so bad.

I asked them to reduce your pain medication in hopes you would wake up.

I was afraid you were in pain.

I was afraid too much pain medication would kill you.

I was afraid not enough pain medication would leave you trapped and suffering and unable to ask for help.

I was afraid that I couldn’t handle the responsibility of being in charge of your health decisions.

I begged you to wake up.

I cried.

I sat alone.

I was always afraid when I went to see you alone.

I was afraid of you being alone when you left.

I was afraid of me being alone as you left.

I begged you to wake up.

I wanted a chance to say goodbye.

I wanted you to tell me what to do.

I called your cell phone to hear your voice.

I imagined how strong you used to be. How your large hand on my forehead always made my headaches go away.

I went home to sleep.

The phone rang late that night.

You were gone.

This still hurts.

Daddy, I miss you.