The purpose of Attachment (and Love Languages)

There are 8 “Rules” to Attachment Parenting. And these are lose Rules in that you can use one or all of them. These rules are:

1. Prepare for Birth, Pregnancy and Parenting. For me this meant to give birth naturally/vaginally and drug free. You have to prepare mentally and physically for this and it is not the easiest thing to do, but in the end, it is actually better for the baby and for the mama. Baby is more alert and is not at risk of complications from the drugs or any of the other medications that you have to be given to counter the effect of the drugs.  It also is better for daddy because it included him in the birth experience when you prepare using the Bradley Method, which is what we did.
2. Feed with love and respect. I breastfeed my babies. My goal is to make it to 2 years. This is kind of longer than is generally accepted but shorter than the “crunchy” camp of doing it until they self wean. I feed whenever my baby wants to nurse and offer the breast before anything else. We don’t do schedules and I don’t even think about night weaning until after a year when baby is starting to get more of their foods from other sources.  We do a lot of comfort nursing. And when solids are introduced I skip the baby foods and spend the time to search out “real” foods for my child to learn texture and to complement his nutrition. This helps me to attach to my child because I began to understand more when it is a cry from hunger or a cry of missing me. I understand what foods my kid actually likes and how they are progressing into being able to take more lumpy foods. And I am looking at the nutritional value of the food, not just the ability to get it in him. If something is nutritionally lacking, I’d rather he have more breastmilk and not introduce the other foods until he is able to digest it/absorb it.
3. Respond with sensitivity. I don’t yell. And when I am getting exasperated I realize it is because *I* am having trouble understanding the message my child is getting across and I redouble my efforts to understand my child. He is trying to communicate with me the best he knows how. I have more resources then he has. It’s *me* that needs to change, not him. It is for me to gently teach him a better way to get his message to me, not for him to figure out how to deal with ME, but for me to figure out how to deal with HIM.
4. Use nurturing touch. Lots of contact. We do a lot of babywearing. I hold my baby all the time. I rub his back, we touch, we hug. Touch is very important. A gentle touch is teaching SO much on how to respond to others and also in fostering trust. Cuddle time is very important.
5. Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally. We co-sleep. I’m never far from my baby at night. If he falls asleep before I am ready to go to bed, I am generally wearing him or holding him. Still touching him in some way so he knows he is not alone. He tends to sleep longer when he is being touched and he sleeps more soundly. We both sleep better because I can glance over and see quickly that he is okay and he can snuggle close and know he is not alone. We have gates around the bed to ensure he is not going to fall off and he tends to sleep in the middle and I go to the edges. Being this close to him I automatically respond to him. It’s amazing that the more time you spend, the more you know how they are going to react.
6. Provide consistent and loving care. I worked with my first child but found a childcare situation that was small and intimate. Now, I stay home. My kids are either with me or my husband non-stop until they are like 2 years of age. There is a small group of people I allow to watch my kids which basically consist of grandparents, aunts and I am introducing one or 2 trusted friends. When I am gone for short periods, my kids are with my husband. He is as bonded to them as I am and I start to have my kids hang out with others in my presence so that if I have to leave them at some point, they know the person.
7. Practice positive discipline. I don’t spank and don’t yell as a general rule. But my kids are disciplined. I encourage good behavior and model the behavior I want them to have. I feel that when we resort to spanking or yelling it is because we are frustrated and have lost our ability to negotiate. So, I try to dig deeper to find that patience that I want my own children to dig down and find.
8. Strive for balance in your personal and family life. I feel my vocation is to be a mother. It is my first goals to be a wife to my husband and a mother to my children. BUT I need time to recharge. I need a couple hours to take care of housework/do laundry. I need time to read a book, get a bath, hang out with friends. And taking that time helps me to go back to my family with full energy and to appreciate the time that I have with them.

And why did I just go through the trouble of typing all that out? I did it because I want to remind myself of something. I want to remind myself of WHY I do this. I do Attachment Parenting because I want to KNOW my child. I do Attachment Parenting because I want my child to learn to trust. I do Attachment Parenting because the tools that I use of breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, not yelling, these are all tools that I am using to get at a bigger principle. And I can STILL attach to my child if I don’t use all of these methods, it is just easiest to do it with all these methods. And by easiest I don’t mean that attachment parenting is the easiest way of parenting, that it is not work. I mean that when you truly know your child, it makes everything else easier in the long run.

Breastfeeding does tie you to your child, but it also decreases your risk of breast cancer and it is the best food for your baby. So really, win win right? When we try to short cut, we have to face the consequences of those actions in not as good food for our baby and increase our own health risk.

All these things tie you to your baby for a short time. But the reason we do it is because in the long run we have children who can trust us and come to us  with problems instead of hiding things from us. We foster this trust in them now as babies because it isn’t so easy to do when they are teenagers, when this trust is going to be even more crucial. We have children who our secure in their own self so they are healthier and better children. Which is going to make them healthier and more well adjusted teenagers and adults.

On the flip side, we do need to find balance. My balance is that I really have an attached FAMILY, not just an attached PARENT. When you have more than 1 child, you still have to find ways to attach to that older child and that older child needs to find ways to attach to the baby and to daddy. Daddy needs his place and to feel bonded. So it is for me about ALL of us attaching.  We are an attached FAMILY, that is our purpose. We know each other and we all foster trust together. My husband can be looked to provide many of the same things I can. Yes, I still have to nurse the baby but he can put him to sleep and he has learned his kids personalities and moods from when they come home.  We use the tools that we can based on WHO we are. My tools are not the SAME exact as my husbands, his are not mine –not just because our different genders but also because of our different personalities.  And our kids are the tools they have based on their personalities and their ages as well. My 6 yo also understands that when my 3 yo starts to have certain moods that he isn’t to take it personally that it is because he is tired and that there is a way to deal with that tiredness that will help the 3 yo, not hinder him in trying to communicate with us.

We learn it together. And when we can learn to attach to each other and respond in the way that the other needs us to they feel loved and it reconnects us and brings us all together. It is the same principle that is being touted with learning others Love Languages.  It’s not that someone doesn’t know you care when you buy them an expensive present. They do. But they feel understood and that you took the time to attach to them when you listen to what they are saying to you and respond in the way that they need it.

And when you have a growing family, you have to attach to everyone. It is no longer just about mom being attached to the baby. If you don’t want sibling rivalry, if you want family harmony, the entire family needs to learn how to comfort the baby to the extent that they can. The entire family needs to learn that sometimes the 6 yo needs alone time because his personality requires that time. The entire family needs to know that the 3 yo is in a mood because he is hungry and he is still learning the best way to express that and to recognize that.

So, it’s not just so you can brag about how crunchy you are. Or to sneer at the other side and say how much better you are for having done x, y and z. You are not doing this to become a martyr and kill yourself and end up resenting the very system you put in place to bond your family together. You are doing this because it is bringing your family together. Because the Family is sacred. And a Family is bonded. And together you can do anything.

 

Filters

“Preach the gospel always, If necessary use words.” ~ St. Francis of Assisi.

We are multifaceted. We have many layers, like diamonds or like onions I suppose. Because we have all these different dimensions, we can sometimes find others who have a matching side. And that’s a good thing. We can express ourselves to our hearts content and have fun, as long as we keep up that filter, and only show that one side.  But sometimes we try to let them peek at other sides and well, sometimes those other sides don’t quite match up, like a puzzle with 1 million pieces. It looks like it might fit, but only in one place. Only on one side.

So, we put up filters. We show the side that people can relate to and we find others who match up to those other sides. So, in the end, we are able to share our many faucets, we just can’t do it to one person.

Now, I said person. There is ONE who we can share all those sides with. One who accepts all those sides and embraces all those sides and holds us together when we almost feel torn apart from holding back. There is ONE we can go to and let our hair down, let it all hang out.

Yes, that one  is God.

Now, I have always thought of this lack of transparency as a bad thing. I’ve always wanted to meet that person I could just be ME with. Just LET GO. RELEASE.

I’ve come to the realization that I have already met that One, and trying to replace that One with someone one person on this earth is like trying to put the square in the round hole. It just doesn’t work.

We learn things from out filters. We learn to relate and we learn to explore the different aspects of our personality. Plus we learn that it takes a village. Man is not an island or even a pair. We need all those different people in our lives, so there is purpose to these filters. It also teaches us discipline.  I think discipline is something the world is sadly lacking.

It’s funny because I have always thought that this hiding of pieces of yourself was dishonest and I wanted full disclosure, full honesty. But the thing is, I’m not HIDING those other pieces of me. If someone ask, I am more than happy to tell them exactly what I feel about it, but it’s not always about talking. Sometimes it is just about living what we believe.

So, filters in place. Time to go out into the world. Eyes wide open. And remembering it is not always about being right, sometimes, we are just called to be kind.

 

More than 140 characters

I really don’t know what to say. It’s not that there isn’t plenty going on in my head, it’s just that the closer I get to “real” people, to finding out what is behind the 140 characters… well, lines are drawn. And most times, I’m not on the same side of others. And I feel SO passionately about things. It’s sometimes hard to think through the rage that fills me when they do something that goes against EVERYTHING that I believe in.

I’ve spent the last 10 years evolving. Oh my how I have evolved. How far have I come. And truly if you asked me why I believed what I believed before my only response would have been because everyone else did. It was the thing to do. Now, I could have given you the same rhetoric that others give on it and I would have believed it. But now… now everything fits. There is DEEPER meaning behind it all. And it all fits into place like only something divinely inspired can.

And yet… before I felt I could shout from the roof tops how I felt about things and now I feel like I have so much to say but the shout from the roof top forum doesn’t get at the truth and isn’t for me. I need more than 140 characters to get at the truth. I need to look into your eyes and show you my sincerity. I need you to hear the conviction in my voice and know that I truly believe with every bit of my soul this truth.

The truth that made me CHANGE my life. It wasn’t something that I just started SAYING I believed something different. My life changed. Completely. Forever changed.

And in many ways I WANT to stay in my bubble. I don’t want to fight anyone. I just enjoy LIVING THIS LIFE. But…. as a people we are social. And I have found myself drawn to make those connections. I am so connected with my husband and my boys. I can read them. They can read me. We truly compliment and complete each other. It’s funny how that happened. It almost came out of nowhere.

But now… now I search to connect with others. And I find myself… just wanting to be ME. How hard can that be right? It isn’t hard at all. I am in a state of bliss when I can just be me. But being me means speaking the truth and I find many don’t want to hear the truth. They don’t want to hear that they are doing something wrong. They don’t want to hear that there might be a better way. They just want someone to support what they are saying right then. But, sometimes it isn’t about that.

So, I find myself wondering do I keep my bliss and stay away from the circumstances that are going to get me down, make me into a person I am trying hard to not be? Or do I stand up for what I believe in? What is the way to stand up? Do you just state that sometimes right is right? Or do you just… yeah, that I don’t know.

I was so happy to make these connections. To feel real. To be every part of me. And yet, I think by doing it, I have to face constant battles or… keep my circle small. At this time, I’m not sure which I would rather do.

 

That’s it!

I turned on EWTN tonight and just finished watching the show Crossing the Goal. It was a first time but I just love when I turn something on and get just a glimmer of wisdom. It was speaking on the subject of Society and the topic of “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s. And how we don’t give to God anymore in our ever increasing desire for “freedom” from religion.

The words that touched me were this: We should have freedom to do what we ought.

BRILLANT. YES. That’s it. We don’t necessarily need to do what we WANT because sometimes what we WANT is not necessarily the right thing to do. We should have freedom to do what we ought. They also pointed out that the reason we have so much more external monitoring is because our internal compasses, our consciences are not formed as they should. When we lose our conscience, the role of outside “consciences” like the police and the like take over for us.

So, freedom to do what we ought, seems to go hand and hand with forming our conscience. Yes, that sounds right.

 

Being thankful

I’ve heard so many people lately angry, bitter. People who are wondering who are upset over how this current economic times are treating them.

Life isn’t perfect in my household but I have my health, I have my husband, I have 3 gorgeous children who are all healthy. I have wonderful in-laws who give us new-to-us pianos and TVs.

I still have my mother to talk to, though her health isn’t perfect. I have a beautiful and generous sister. And because of the loss of my 2 brothers, I can appreciate my last sibling more. Because of the loss of my father, I am grateful each day for the time I have with my mother and know that we don’t have forever.

We may not all be sitting in the lap of luxury. But my kids have food. We have a roof over our head we are not in danger of losing anytime soon. My husband works hard to support us and I work hard to support my home. I know what I believe and my eyes are wide open.

So, I guess, I am typing this message as a reminder to myself that no matter my daily struggles there is always someone out there going through some other struggles, different then mine, possibly worse than mine but still maintaining their faith.

I can complain I can’t afford all the best food for my child, but out there is someone who can’t afford any food for their child.

I can complain that I get no sleep with my infant or that I have not been blessed with a girl–but out there is someone who gets no sleep because they can’t conceive or carry ANY baby.

I can complain that my baby nurses constantly, but out there is a mama who would do anything to nurse her child and was unable.

I can complain that my husband is gone all night and I miss him terribly, but out there someone doesn’t have a husband or their husband is gone for months at a time.

So, really, yes we can all complain, but out there is someone who would like to be in our shoes and we should be thankful for all our blessings, especially as we move into Thanksgiving.

So, I am thankful I have found good friends. I am thankful for an amazing husband. I am thankful for my faith and belief in Jesus and praise him always. I am thankful for my beautiful boys. I am thankful that I figured out all I had to be thankful for before I didn’t have it any longer.

And I am praying for Suzanne. A beautiful mama raising saints in my neck of the woods who is now facing Stage IV cancer. Please Lord give her the strength to get through this trying time and Don Alvaro please grant us a miracle and give her the time her kids need with her.

 

On heating pads

When I was a little girl we had this heating pad. It rocked. Yeah, so if you laid on it a bit too long, you could get a red spot and could possibly get burned. But that sucker got hot! And you felt that heat.

So a couple days ago I strained my back. It is not a fun experience. Going into a laying down position brings huge pain and tears. So, like a good girl, I called my mommy to check in. Yup, I still call my mommy.

Anyway, she suggested I get out my heating pad. Now, we have one but I’m always so disappointed in the little bit of heat it generates I almost feel like why bother. But, mommy is the best doctor and she knows best so I went into the closet searching for the heating pad and brought it out.

It still can’t compare to that lovely one we had as kids, but I think it did some good.

 

How do you know

that you are on the right path to vocation vs just a job? You can’t quit. No matter how crappy a day has gone, there is no “I’m not going to do this anymore”. Just as Jesus can’t give up on you no matter how many times you turn your back on him, there is absolutely no way to quit. When I got that sucky boss at work, I totally said, Well, I don’t have to work for you, you suck. And I walked away. No problem. I can’t walk away from my kids. God can’t walk away from us, I can’t walk away from them. Not if what I am doing is right and true.

Now, of course, you can see that this is a blessing in good times and a curse in bad right?

So, on a day the kiddos decide to act up you realize, your whole life is entwined in them. Your life is THEM. And some might see this as a bad thing; these days everyone says you should have an “out”. You should always have a resource to get away. But, really, this is why we fail at so much, because we don’t bother to fully commit. How would we really feel if Jesus said, “Okay, I’ll stick around for a minute or two, but at the first sign that this person is going to be an idiot, I’m bailing.” Now, that wouldn’t be a very strong faith, right?

So, you realize that you can’t take away doing school for them, you can’t take away feeding them, bathing them, reading to them. Because all the things you would think to take away because they are misbehaving are all GOOD for them. Well, darn it. So, all you can do is keep pushing forward. Keep teaching them the right path. And praise them when they do the right thing. And mourn when they don’t. And you have to mourn in silence, just as Jesus does.

You know He is disappointed in your failings. Just as the kids know you are disappointed. But, other than show you the right way to go, He won’t take away the good things you need. He will continue to provide. And wait for you to do good once again.

So, even on a day when things are not going as well as I would like, I know I am on the right path and I keep plugging along. It is about living your faith. Every moment is living your faith. Every moment is about Jesus. My vocation is to be like Jesus.

 

Neglectful much?

I’ve kind of been neglecting my blog. I know, I suck. I really don’t have much excuse other than it’s hard to get coherent thoughts down on the sly.

Life has been…busy, to say the least. The babe has been getting around so much and getting into everything, plus of course he is super clingy. Balancing keeping up on the house, keeping up on schooling 2 boys, trying to maintain my exercise routine, keeping up with a clingy baby, there is that husband… Plus, my sister got married and I’m helping start a new playgroup as well.

The other reason for the neglect is I don’t really have the words to express some of my feelings. I’m not unhappy. I feel I have found myself in so many ways and I know the path that I should be on. I still have good days and bad days with it of course. So, do I spend my time just talking about those good days and be completely braggy, OR do I spend my time whining about the bad? Yeah, hard to tell.

I still have these moments of feeling SO HIGH. Like, I feel that I’ve finally figured it out. And then I feel like I’ve been tackled by the entire football team and I have never felt so low.

This past week was my birthday. I turned 34. Hubby took off 5 days. It was wonderful and amazing. I’ve never felt so high. Now, things got neglected–like not ALL the chores got done, and the exercise routine was a little shot, but I got some rest, I got to spend lots of time with the hubby, I finally got to play with my new toy–aka the sewing machine. I even got a moment to do some cross stitch. And I realized how much my crafting life has been neglected because those are things you need both parents around so that one my parent has a chance to do it. And, both parents are only around when I am doing school or otherwise engaged in activities that don’t include relaxing or free time.

And just a few moments ago, hubby left to go to sleep and we return to our schedule. And considering so many don’t have jobs at a all, I’m really trying not to complain about missing him so much, but…. I miss him so much. I really do.

So, lately, my life is going back and forth between the two extremes. Super high or super low. Whatever happened to middle of the road?

Anyway, I’m going to attempt to return to my blogging. I think for me, the extreme emotions are more raw, leaving me more naked and vulnerable, so yeah, that’s probably why it is harder to form thoughts when blogging them.

 

My parenting choices and my faith, together!

Now, myself and a group of Catholic moms realized a while back that Attachment Parenting completely fits into our Catholic Faith. It is wonderful that now Martha and Bill Sears have realized it as well and have come home to the church!!!

FOREWORD TO NEW EDITION OF PARENTING BOOK BY DR BILL AND MARTHA SEARS [Gregory Popcak]
	9/29/2009
	Lisa and I are currently working on the 2nd edition of Parenting with Grace. It will be an updated and expanded edition with much new information.  Parenting with Grace, of course, is the first and only parenting book to apply Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body to parenting and that emphasis, which was implicit in the first edition, will be even stronger in the updated edition. Dr. Bill and Martha Sears have very kindly agreed to write the foreword for the new edition.  They came back to the Church in March of 2008 and have been overwhelmed by how the Catholic view of the person and Catholic theology dovetails with Attachment Parenting approaches.  I thought I would share what they had to say about Parenting with Grace (2nd edition–Updated and Expanded). Foreword:  Parenting with Grace (2nd edition) Dr. Bill and Martha Sears We are honored to be asked to write a foreword for this edition of Parenting with Grace. We are in love with this book.  Of course, we are in love with all things Catholic, and for good reason. Though we were both raised and educated as Catholics, we have been away from the Church for 37 years – until a year and a half ago.  On March 11, 2008, we made our way Home. We left the Church in the early 70s, looking for spiritual fulfillment elsewhere because our own Catholic faith hadn’t matured enough to weather the storms of young adulthood, early marriage, and parenthood.  Not only away from the Church but away from God, too, we got pretty beaten up - our marriage almost ended because we were looking for “God” in all the wrong places.  Only our love for our two boys kept us together (that, and the Holy Spirit in the form of the dictum “Marriage is forever”).  We sealed our recommitment to each other by having our third child, another boy.  We got him baptized in a Catholic church, “just in case it is all true” but then we moved away to a place where the local church didn’t inspire us. Still searching for God (somehow we missed Him, growing up in families that were struggling in their own ways to understand Grace), we stumbled onto the Gospel message in another denomination.  The message of salvation for the asking was like water in a parched desert, and it took root and grew into a 30 year “personal relationship” with Jesus.  By this time we had our fourth child (you may know her as “The Fussy Baby”), and we were happy to know that we had our spiritual lives in order.  Our faith grew stronger with each child, eight eventually, and then with two major health crises that came along:  colon cancer for Bill and a 10- year-long struggle with depression and anxiety for Martha.  As we recovered from these trials we learned some important lessons about mental and physical health, and our book count has escalated.  Then, just when we thought life couldn’t be fuller or better, we were invited to go with a friend to the Holy Land – with a bunch of Catholics! There we were, in the Holy Land, attending daily Mass and seeing Catholics whose faith had matured, (having weathered the storms of life), believing what they said “Amen” to.  We were drawn irresistibly back to the Eucharist and now, two years later, have never been happier spiritually.  Our marriage, good as it was before, has never been better.  We’ve had many “Aha” moments in these past two years, learning all over again what it means to be Catholic. And one very big “Aha” came as we read this book. It seems that all we’ve been writing about  Attachment Parenting fits right into not only God’s design for babies but into a uniquely Catholic concept, that of self-donation,  something Pope John Paul II wrote extensively about.  We started seeing the term “self-donation” in books about the Theology of the Body – an odd-sounding term at first, but one that makes perfect sense when you think about it.  This is exactly what we have experienced as we have come back to the Sacraments:  God reaching out to us and giving us his very Self in the Eucharist and in Reconciliation.  No wonder we are so happy – we are being Attachment Parented by God! And now we are reading, in Parenting with Grace, about the Catholic vision of the family as a “self-donative community of love”.  We are seeing so much more than just the scriptural basis for Attachment Parenting – we are seeing the spiritual basis for it, and for all of family life.  Since we have come back to our Catholic faith, through this amazing reversion experience of God’s grace, we have had not only our individual lives and our marriage revitalized, but our family life, too.  The Theology of the Body is truly a gift from God (who would ever have thought that a Pope would know so much about this), and what the Popcaks show us from that body of work, about parenting, is so important.  And now there is new information on the effect of attachment on the developing brain – science (Aquinas’s Book of Nature, they point out) is showing, over and over, that attachment-based parenting practices and positive discipline really are what is best and most effective for the child. One final thought, from Martha:  Her aunt, Mary Bea, was a religious sister of the Sacred Heart order, a teacher/librarian.  The times that she visited us, she made many observations that affirmed our parenting practices.  Sr. Mary Bea always did her best to convey that loving guidance was what our children needed.  This helped us see that we were on the right track, and it gave Martha the affirmation she needed from this respected Auntie.  Now looking back, and seeing those memories in the light of Parenting with Grace, we see that Catholic teaching really did inform us all those many years ago, despite what our own rearing had been, and that we can thank Holy Mother Church for being our inspiration, and our saving-grace, all along the way. We wish you many blessings, Dr. Bill and Martha Sears Authors of The Sears Parenting Library from http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/weblog/BlogDetail.asp?ID=42327

 

Where there is life, there is hope

“It is a poverty that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.”  -Blessed Mother Teresa

Yesterday was Respect Life Sunday.  Here are the facts.

Profile of the Abortive Mother

She is Christian – 70%

Of the Christian denominations, she is most likely Catholic – 38%

She has never been married – 67%

She used a method of Contraception – 54%

She probably lives in Florida, ranked third in the nation of the number of abortions, or California, New York, Texas or New Jersey, the states where 50% of U.S. abortions occur.

She has been pregnant previously – 73%

More than 1 of every 4 pregnancies ends in abortion.

In California

It is estimated that about 233,373 abortions take place each year in California. That’s about 639 abortions each day.

In 2005, 208,430 women obtained abortions in California. That is 27 of 1000 women.

This is a rate decline of 13% from 2000 when it was 31 per 1000 women.

Abortions in California represent 17.3% of all abortions in the U.S.

In African American Women

Minority women constitute only 26% of the female population age 15 to 44, but underwent 36% of the abortions.

Since 1973, black women have had about 10 million abortions. There are currently 31 million African Americans in the U.S. The abortions make up a 35% loss for the Black community.

A highly significant 1993 Howard University study showed that African American women over age 50 were 4.7 times more likely to get breast cancer if they had had any abortions compared to women who had not had any abortions.

“Truth is not subject to a majority vote.” – Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger

CHOOSE LIFE.